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Writer's pictureJonathan Daugherty

Understanding the Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model (ERCEM)

Carol the Coach is a certified sex addiction therapist and coach, who brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to the topic of healing broken marriage relationships. In this article, we delve into the transformative power of empathy in healing relationships, particularly in the context of infidelity and betrayal. Carol shares her innovative Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model (ERCEM) and offers actionable advice for couples navigating the challenging recovery journey.



Understanding Carol the Coach and Her Mission


Who is Carol the Coach?

Carol the Coach pic

Carol the Coach, often referred to as the "grandmother of sex addiction," has been a certified sex addiction therapist since 2007. She studied under Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the field, and has dedicated her career to helping both the betrayed and the betrayers find their path to post-traumatic growth and recovery. Carol's approach is rooted in empathy, and she emphasizes its importance in all types of relationships, whether you're married, in a relationship, divorced, widowed, or single.


The Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model (ERCEM)

Carol developed ERCEM after recognizing the limitations of traditional models that focused on individual recovery before reuniting couples. Her model emphasizes the importance of working with both partners from the start, fostering empathy and understanding to create a foundation for healing and growth.


Key Elements of the Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model (ERCEM)


1. Joint Recovery from the Start

One of the core principles of ERCEM is the simultaneous involvement of both partners in the recovery process. Carol believes that working with the betrayed partner and the betrayer together from the beginning is crucial for effective healing. This approach allows both partners to learn from each other's experiences and needs, creating a sense of safety and stabilization.


Actionable Advice:

  • Schedule Joint Therapy Sessions: From the outset, ensure that both partners attend therapy sessions together. This fosters open communication and mutual understanding.

  • Create a Safe Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners can express their feelings and experiences.


2. Empathy as the Cornerstone of Healing

Empathy, as defined by Teresa Wiseman, involves taking someone's perspective, being non-judgmental, recognizing emotionality, and identifying feelings. For the betrayer, this means acknowledging their role in causing pain and understanding the impact of their actions on their partner's emotions.


Actionable Advice:

  • Practice Active Listening: Focus on truly understanding your partner's feelings without interrupting or judging.

  • Acknowledge the Pain: The betrayer should openly acknowledge the pain they've caused and express a genuine commitment to supporting their partner's healing process.


3. Long-Term Commitment to Healing

Healing from infidelity is a long-term process. Carol emphasizes that the betrayer's brain needs approximately five years to retrain and develop new healthy behaviors, while the betrayed partner may need 3 to 5 years to work through the trauma and begin to trust again.


Actionable Advice:

  • Be Patient: Understand that healing takes time and be patient with yourself and your partner.

  • Consistent Reassurance: Regularly reassure your partner of your commitment to the healing process, even during moments of normalcy.


Common Misconceptions About Empathy


Misconception: "I Understand Your Pain"

One common misconception is that the betrayer can fully understand the betrayed partner's pain. Carol stresses that the betrayer should never claim to understand the partner's pain but should instead acknowledge the impact of their actions and express a commitment to supporting the healing process.


Actionable Advice:

  • Avoid Assumptions: Never assume you fully understand your partner's pain. Instead, focus on acknowledging their feelings and the impact of your actions.

  • Express Genuine Support: Show your partner you are committed to their healing journey through consistent actions and words.


couple holding hands over coffee

Resources for Couples Seeking Support

Carol provides a wealth of resources for couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity. These include therapist and coach directories on her website, virtual helper groups, and book studies designed to guide couples through the healing process.


Recommended Resources:


A Message of Hope

In closing, there is great hope for couples navigating the challenging journey of recovery from infidelity. Don't give up! Seek support, engage in the healing process, and remain committed to rebuilding trust and restoring your relationship.


Final Thoughts:

  • Seek Professional Help: Don't hesitate to reach out to certified therapists and coaches who can guide you through the recovery process.

  • Stay Committed: Healing is a long-term journey that requires dedication and effort from both partners.

  • Embrace Empathy: Make empathy the cornerstone of your relationship, fostering understanding, compassion, and mutual support.


By embracing the principles of empathy and joint recovery, couples can navigate the challenging journey of healing from infidelity and emerge stronger and more connected than ever before.




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