Body and Soul: Restoring Wholeness After Trauma and Coercive Control

At Be Broken Ministries, our mission has always been to walk with men and women through the valleys of brokenness into the hope and wholeness found in Christ. Over the years, I have witnessed that the pain of trauma, abuse, and coercive control cuts deeply into the body and the soul. It distorts how individuals see themselves, how they relate to God, and how they engage in community.

Recently, in a conversation with therapist and author Tabitha Westbrook for the Pure Sex Radio Podcast, I was reminded again of how critical it is for the Church to cultivate spaces of safety, honesty, and true healing. We talked about her book, Body and Soul: Healed and Whole, which is an invitational guide for survivors navigating the path toward healthy sexuality and relationships after abuse.

The discussion was raw and real—but also deeply hopeful. I want to share some of the highlights with you here because I believe we, as a body of Christ, need to see clearly what survivors are facing, where we’ve missed opportunities, and how we can come alongside them with compassion and truth.

Trauma, Abuse, and Sexual Brokenness

When we talk about sexual brokenness, we often collapse it into a single category—as though addiction, compulsive behavior, or trauma impact everyone in the same way. But as Tabitha shared, there is nuance, especially when it comes to women who have endured abuse.

Sexual brokenness in women is often deeply tied to trauma and habituated patterns of objectification. Many carry wounds of being raised in homes where domination ruled. Others were introduced to harm through spouses who weaponized Scripture and insisted on entitlement cloaked in spiritual language. Still others were victims of violence at the hands of teachers, pastors, peers, or even family.

What struck me listening to Tabitha was how crucial it is that we as Christ’s people call things what they are. Too often the church minimizes, softens, or deflects harsh realities—choosing phrases like “difficult relationship” or “inappropriate situation” instead of naming them plainly as abuse, coercion, or rape. For a survivor to heal, she needs clarity and words that tell the truth. When these wounds remain unnamed, they fester in darkness.

The Weight of Purity Culture

Another powerful strand in our conversation was the lasting effect of purity culture.

Purity culture was born from a genuine desire to call young people into sexual integrity, but it often created a distorted lens. For men, it reduced identity to perpetual lust. For women, it labeled them as “gatekeepers” responsible for the purity of others. The message became—you are either an inevitable sinner or an obstacle to men’s holiness.

This distortion not only eroded healthy sexuality but also eroded trust between Christian brothers and sisters. Instead of a robust view of men and women as co-heirs and image bearers of God, many learned suspicion and fear. As Tabitha noted,

Purity culture put both sexes at odds in ways that God never intended.

In response, we must return to a fuller gospel. Men are not slaves to lust. Women are not stumbling blocks. We are beloved sons and daughters of a good Father, created not as objects but as partners in God’s mission.

Coercive Control: Beyond Narcissism

One of the most eye-opening parts of our dialogue was Tabitha’s explanation of coercive control. She prefers this term over the popular phrase “narcissistic abuse,” and after hearing her reasoning, I completely understand why.

While narcissism is a mental health label, coercive control is about domination. It is the systematic stripping away of a person’s autonomy, individuality, and safety. Survivors are left confused, doubting reality, and isolated in fear.

Tabitha described it as a funnel. At the top, it begins with romance and love-bombing, showering the victim with belonging and false promises. Over time, the funnel narrows as rules, monitoring, and punishments creep in. A woman spends too long at the grocery store—suspicion. She spends an extra five dollars—accusation. She resists sexual demands—retaliation. Even life-threatening tactics, such as withholding food from someone with a medical condition, can be used as means of control.

This is not merely selfishness or arrogance; it is domination. And when it’s cloaked in spiritual language—“God says you’re my wife, you must submit more”—the impact is especially crushing.

For survivors, they rarely walk into the counselor’s office saying, “I’m in an abusive relationship.” They usually come in saying, “I’m anxious.” The slow erosion of autonomy leaves them doubting their worth and voice.

Misconceptions About Abuse

A tragic barrier that many survivors face is the well-meaning but dangerous misconceptions of others. Too often people say, “If you just talk to him, things will get better.” Or, “He just needs therapy.” Or, “This is just a marriage problem.” But,

Abuse is not a marriage problem. It causes marriage problems.

Abuse is not resolved with simple conversations or casual counseling. Logical conversations with a controlling partner only expose the victim to greater harm. We must shift our perspective: reconciliation is not the immediate goal. Safety for the survivor is. Accountability for the abuser is. Only then can we even begin talking about the possibilities for relational healing.

The Church’s Calling

If you are a pastor, leader, or church member reading this, please hear me: abuse does exist in your church. It is not just “out there.”

Statistics show the majority of victims first turn to their church for help, but only a tiny fraction ever return because of the mishandling they experienced. That should grieve us. The Church is called to be a refuge, but too often our missteps increase the harm.

What needs to change?

• Training: Pastors and leaders must be equipped to identify coercive control and abuse. Without training, we risk putting victims in greater danger.

• Safety First: The survivor’s safety—along with her children’s—takes priority. Not saving face, not protecting the institution, not preserving appearances.

• Accountability: Abusive individuals must be challenged directly to repentance. And this must happen in a framework that doesn’t allow manipulation or superficial compliance to masquerade as change.

• Community: Survivors need networks of compassionate, educated support—churches working alongside ministries and counselors trained in trauma and abuse recovery.

The Church cannot idolize marriage at the expense of victims. God loves marriage, yes. But more than that, He loves people. He sent His Son to set captives free, not to maintain appearances while oppression continues unchecked.

Where is the Hope?

Conversations about abuse, coercive control, and trauma can leave us feeling overwhelmed or gripped by fear. Is hope even possible?

Yes. As Tabitha reminded me, healing begins when safety and truth work together. Hope emerges when victims are believed, seen, and supported. Hope grows as churches recover a biblical view of men and women—not as adversaries or objects—but as brothers and sisters indwelt by the Spirit.

Hope also emerges as we, the body of Christ, repent for where we have enabled broken systems, and instead begin cultivating a culture of wholeness. A culture where young men and women learn not just the “practice” of sexuality but also the poetics, the heart, the soul-shaping meaning of being image bearers called into intimacy that reflects God’s design.

And most importantly—hope is found in Jesus. He is near to the brokenhearted. He defends the oppressed. He was Himself betrayed, abused, and crucified, and yet rose in victory to offer new life. For survivors, that same resurrection power is available. Restoration is possible.

A Call to Compassion

In closing, I want to echo Tabitha’s heart:

Survivors need to hear someone say out loud what they have not been able to say themselves.

They need safe friends, counselors, and churches who will call sin what it is and offer the gentle hand of grace.

For pastors and leaders: seek training. For friends and family: believe survivors and walk patiently with them. For survivors: know that you are not alone, and your story is not beyond repair. Your wholeness is not a pipe dream—it is God’s desire for you.

Jesus came not to manage appearances or preserve broken systems but to bring abundant life. Let’s join Him in that work.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control or abuse, please reach out to trusted, trained help. You can learn more about Tabitha’s resources at TabithaWestbrook.com.