In this enlightening episode of our podcast, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Carol Tanksley, an OB-GYN physician and the author of "Sexpectations: Reframing Your Good and Not So Good Stories About God, Love, and Relationships." Our conversation delved into the intricate and often misunderstood realms of sexuality, intimacy, and the profound impact of personal and cultural experiences on these topics. Dr. Carol shared her invaluable insights, drawing from her professional expertise and personal journey, to offer a holistic approach to understanding and healing in these areas.
The Motivation Behind "Sex Expectations"
Dr. Carol's motivation for writing her book is deeply personal. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, she faced significant challenges in understanding her own sexuality and relationships. Despite her medical knowledge as an OB-GYN, she struggled with deeper emotional issues. A pivotal moment in her life occurred when she found herself in a compromising situation with a married man, prompting her to reflect on her own wounds and the lies she believed about herself. This experience catalyzed her desire to explore the heart issues surrounding sexuality and intimacy, leading her to write "Sexpectations."
Addressing Heart Matters: Beyond Right and Wrong
One of the key themes in our conversation was the importance of addressing the heart matters when it comes to sexuality. Dr. Carol pointed out that cultural and church perspectives often focus on right and wrong behaviors. While understanding consequences is important, true change comes from addressing the heart rather than merely modifying behavior. She referenced Jesus’ teachings, particularly in the Sermon on the Mount, where He emphasizes the importance of the heart's condition over mere actions.
Actionable Advice:
Reflect on Your Heart's Condition: Take time to introspect and understand the deeper emotional issues that influence your behavior.
Seek Spiritual Guidance: Engage with God's Word that emphasizes the importance of the heart and bearing God's image.
Intimacy vs. Sexuality: Understanding the Difference
Dr. Carol made a crucial distinction between intimacy and sexuality. While they are related, they are not the same. Intimacy is a fundamental human need that transcends sexual activity. Everyone, regardless of their relationship status, requires intimacy to thrive. The best sexual experiences are rooted in emotional connection, safety, and being truly seen by another person. Conversely, negative sexual experiences often lack this intimacy, leading to disconnection and harm.
Actionable Advice:
Cultivate Emotional Connections: Focus on building deep emotional connections with others, which can enhance your overall sense of intimacy.
Create Safe Spaces: Ensure that your relationships are built on safety and mutual respect, which are essential for true intimacy.
Understanding Wounds and Harm
Our discussion then turned to the wounds many individuals carry regarding their sexuality. Dr. Carol explained that harm can manifest in various forms, from overt abuse to more subtle influences like pornography. These experiences shape our understanding of intimacy and sexuality, often leading to unhealthy patterns. It’s important to recognize that individuals do not choose to engage in harmful behaviors; rather, these actions stem from deeper emotional wounds and learned behaviors.
Actionable Advice:
Acknowledge Your Wounds: Recognize and accept the emotional wounds you carry, as this is the first step towards healing.
Seek Professional Help: Consider therapy or counseling to address and heal from past traumas and harmful experiences.
The Concept of Sexual Wholeness
Jonathan asked Dr. Carol to define sexual wholeness, especially for those who have experienced sexual brokenness. She explained that sexual wholeness means that one’s past no longer holds power over them. It involves integrating past experiences without allowing them to define one’s identity. Dr. Carol outlined three key aspects of sexual wholeness:
Releasing the Past: Understanding that past experiences do not define one’s future.
Right-Sizing Sexuality: Recognizing that sexuality is a part of being human, regardless of marital status, and integrating it healthily into one’s life.
Cultivating Intimacy: Developing the ability to connect deeply with others, which requires vulnerability and the removal of emotional barriers.
Actionable Advice:
Practice Forgiveness: Work on forgiving yourself and others for past experiences to release their hold on you.
Integrate Sexuality Healthily: Find ways to acknowledge and integrate your sexuality into your life in a godly and balanced manner.
Build Vulnerable Connections: Engage in relationships that allow for vulnerability and deep emotional connections.
The Role of Community in Fostering Intimacy
Dr. Carol emphasized the importance of community in fostering intimacy. Everyone, regardless of gender or relationship status, needs a supportive community. She challenged the notion that men and women cannot have close, platonic relationships without sexualizing them. Drawing from Jesus’ example, she argued that true intimacy can exist without sexual connotations, and the church should strive to create an environment where such connections are encouraged.
Actionable Advice:
Seek Supportive Relationships: Identify and nurture relationships with individuals who can provide support and accountability.
Encourage Platonic Intimacy: Foster and encourage platonic relationships that are built on mutual respect and emotional connection.
Pathway to Wholeness: Crafting an Escape Plan
Dr. Carol highlighted the necessity of having an escape plan when faced with temptations related to sexuality. She acknowledged that individuals will inevitably encounter moments of vulnerability, whether due to loneliness, fatigue, or other triggers. To combat these temptations, she suggested crafting a comprehensive escape plan that involves both physical and mental strategies.
Actionable Advice:
Identify Triggers: Be aware of the situations and emotions that trigger your vulnerabilities.
Create a Physical Escape Plan: Engage in activities that redirect and uplift you, such as cleaning, exercising, or listening to music.
Cultivate Positive Self-Talk: Develop a habit of prayer and positive self-talk to counteract negative thoughts and temptations.
Submitting Sexuality to Jesus
Dr. Carol invited listeners to consider not only accepting Jesus as their savior but also making Him the Lord of their lives, including their sexual lives. This daily commitment involves consciously inviting Jesus into one’s thoughts and actions, allowing His guidance to shape one’s understanding of sexuality.
Actionable Advice:
Daily Commitment: Make a daily commitment to submit your thoughts and actions to Jesus.
Seek Spiritual Growth: Engage in spiritual practices that help you grow in your relationship with Jesus and understand His guidance.
Moving Beyond Forgiveness to Embrace Purpose
Jonathan highlighted a common belief among Christians regarding forgiveness. While acknowledging the beauty of forgiveness, he pointed out that it is not the end goal. Instead, the transformative journey involves moving beyond mere forgiveness to embrace a mission that God has for each individual. The gospel message should inspire action and purpose, rather than becoming a source of self-focus.
Actionable Advice:
Embrace Your Mission: Seek to understand and embrace the unique mission that God has for your life.
Take Action: Allow the gospel message to inspire you to take action and contribute to the greater good of your community.
Conclusion: Embracing Healing and Wholeness
As we concluded the episode, Dr. Carol reflected on the significance of addressing the deeper matters of the heart in discussions about sexuality and intimacy. True healing and understanding come from a holistic approach that integrates emotional, spiritual, and relational aspects. We emphasized the importance of community, vulnerability, and the pursuit of genuine intimacy in the journey toward sexual wholeness.
Final Thoughts:
Explore Your Story: Take time to explore and understand your own story, recognizing that healing is possible.
Seek Community Support: Engage with a supportive community that encourages vulnerability and growth.
Pursue Wholeness: Commit to a journey of healing and wholeness, integrating emotional, spiritual, and relational aspects into your life.
For those interested in diving deeper into these topics, I highly recommend Dr. Carol's book, "Sexpectations," and the resources available on her website, which include quizzes, devotionals, and other materials designed to support individuals on their journey.
This episode serves as a reminder that healing is possible and that every story, no matter how broken, can be redeemed for a greater purpose. Embrace your journey towards sexual wholeness and intimacy, knowing that you are not alone in your struggles and that wholeness is yours in Christ Jesus.
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