How Early Developmental Trauma Shapes Addiction and Relationships
- Jonathan Daugherty
- Jul 18
- 5 min read
Today I’m thrilled to share a deep-dive into one of the most important—and often overlooked—topics in recovery: the impact of early developmental trauma on addiction and relationships. In this episode, I sat down with Cat Etherington, Recovery Director at the Naked Truth Project, to unpack how our earliest experiences shape our sense of self, our coping strategies, and the way we connect with others.
If you or someone you love is navigating addiction, betrayal trauma, or simply wants to understand the “why” behind persistent struggles, this post is for you. Let’s break down the key insights from our conversation, with actionable advice and expert guidance to help you on your healing journey.
Understanding Developmental Trauma: More Than Just “Big T” Events
What Is Developmental Trauma?
Cat starts by clarifying that developmental trauma isn’t just about the obvious, headline-grabbing events. It’s about the subtle, persistent experiences that shape us as children—often in ways we don’t recognize until much later.
Big T Trauma: These are the major, easily identifiable events—abuse, severe neglect, violence, or loss. They’re what most people picture when they hear “trauma.”
Little t Trauma: These are the quieter, chronic experiences—emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, family secrets, or cultural messages that stifle authenticity. They may not seem “traumatic” on the surface, but over time, they can deeply impact a child’s development.
Key Insight: Not everyone who experiences trauma becomes an addict, but for many, addiction is a coping strategy for unresolved pain. The nervous system and emotional memory formed in childhood can drive adult behaviors, often beneath our conscious awareness.
Actionable Steps
Reflect on Your Story: Take time to consider not just the “big” events, but the subtle patterns and messages you absorbed as a child.
Validate Your Experience: Don’t minimize your pain just because it doesn’t fit the classic trauma narrative. “Little t” traumas are real and impactful.
The Trauma-Addiction Connection: Why Coping Strategies Matter
How Trauma Fuels Addiction
Cat shares from her own journey: addiction wasn’t a conscious choice, but an “opportunistic” response to pain she didn’t know how to process. Many of us develop coping mechanisms—like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or substance use—to manage overwhelming emotions or unmet needs.
Common Coping Strategies:
People-Pleasing: Adapting to others’ expectations to gain approval and avoid rejection. This often starts in childhood when love feels conditional.
Numbing or Escaping: Using substances, pornography, or compulsive behaviors to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Self-Silencing: Suppressing your own needs or desires to keep the peace or avoid conflict.
Expert Advice: These strategies are not “bad” or “weak”—they’re creative adaptations to survive difficult environments. But as adults, they can keep us stuck in cycles of pain and disconnection.
Actionable Steps
Identify Your Patterns: Notice when you’re acting out of fear, shame, or a need for approval.
Practice Self-Compassion: Recognize that these behaviors once served a purpose, but you can learn new ways to cope.
Identity Formation: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self
The Role of Identity in Recovery
One of the most profound parts of our conversation was about identity. Childhood is supposed to be a time of discovering who we are, what we value, and how we relate to the world. But trauma can disrupt this process, leaving us unsure of our true selves.
Cat described her own recovery as an “archaeological dig”—uncovering layers of beliefs and behaviors that weren’t truly hers, but adaptations to survive. Many of us reach adulthood realizing we’ve spent years living for others in unhealthy ways.
Key Insight: Recovery isn’t just about stopping destructive behaviors—it’s about rediscovering and reclaiming your true identity.
Actionable Steps
Engage in “Story Work”: Explore your childhood narratives. What messages did you receive about love, worth, and belonging?
Try Inner Child Work: Connect with the younger parts of yourself that still carry unmet needs or pain.
Seek Good Counsel: Connect with trained and experienced counselors who can help you untangle the shame and confusion from your past.
Navigating Subjective and Objective Realities: Parenting and Healing
Balancing Truth and Experience
A powerful theme in our discussion was the tension between objective truths (e.g., “You are loved”) and subjective experiences (e.g., “I felt unloved”). As parents, partners, or friends, it’s tempting to correct someone’s feelings with facts. But healing requires honoring both realities.
Practical Example: A parent may work long hours to provide for the family (objective reality), but a child may feel abandoned or unimportant (subjective reality). Both are true, and both matter.
Expert Advice: Don’t dismiss or override someone’s feelings with logic. Instead, validate their experience and explore what it means for their sense of self. Then you can seek together to make connections between the subjective and objective realities.
Actionable Steps
Acknowledge Feelings: When someone shares their pain, respond with empathy, not correction.
Reflect on Your Own Childhood: How did your caregivers respond to your emotions? How does that shape your relationships today?
Moving Beyond Blame: The Path to True Healing
Letting Go of Blame
One of the biggest barriers to healing is the fear of blaming our parents or caregivers. Cat and I both emphasized: this work isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about understanding your lived experience so you can heal.
Key Insight: Even well-intentioned caregivers can cause harm. Recognizing this complexity allows us to honor our pain without getting stuck in resentment.
Actionable Steps
Shift from Blame to Understanding: Focus on your feelings and needs, not on judging others’ intentions.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel: It’s okay to grieve what you didn’t receive, even if your caregivers “did their best.”
The Value of Digging Deep: Why Surface-Level Recovery Isn’t Enough
Going Beyond Sobriety
Many people achieve sobriety but still feel stuck, anxious, or unfulfilled. Cat’s encouragement: don’t stop at symptom management. True freedom comes from addressing the roots of your pain.
Common Pitfall: Feeling ashamed for not having “enough” trauma to justify your struggles. This shame keeps you from doing the deeper work that leads to lasting change.
Actionable Steps
Embrace the Full Journey: Healing is a process, not a destination. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
Seek Support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or organizations like the Naked Truth Project, you don’t have to do this alone.
Conclusion: Your Healing Journey Starts Here
If you take one thing from this episode, let it be this:
healing from developmental trauma is possible, and it’s the key to breaking free from cycles of addiction and pain.
It’s not about blame—it’s about truth, compassion, and reclaiming your story.
Next Steps:
Reflect on your own childhood experiences—both the obvious and the subtle.
Notice your coping strategies and ask what needs they’re meeting.
Begin the journey of self-discovery, with support if you need it.
The Naked Truth Project offers resources and community for those seeking recovery. If you’re ready to dig deeper, reach out—we’re here to walk this path with you.
Remember: You are not alone, and your story matters. Healing is possible, one step at a time.
Further Resources
Books: The Body Keeps the Score* by Bessel van der Kolk, Healing the Shame That Binds* You by John Bradshaw, Suffering and the Heart of God* by Diane Langberg
Thank you for joining me and Cat on this journey. If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs hope. Let’s keep the conversation going—your healing matters!
*This is an affiliate link. Be Broken may earn referral fees on purchases through this link.
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