Men and Sadness: How Being "Under Sad" Stunts Emotional Maturity

Today, we are going to dive deep into a topic that’s often overlooked, especially among men: the experience of being “under sad.” In this episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with my friend and co-host, Dr. Stephen Cervantes, who brought incredible insight into the importance of grieving, emotional awareness, and the unique challenges men face when it comes to sadness.

If you are a man who has ever felt stuck, numb, or unsure how to process disappointment, this post is for you. Let’s break down the main themes and actionable tips from our conversation, so you can start embracing sadness as a vital part of your emotional journey.

What Does It Mean to Be “Under Sad”?

“Under sad” is a phrase Dr. Cervantes uses to describe a state where we’re living beneath the surface of our sadness—often without even realizing it. For many men, sadness is an emotion that’s been pushed aside, ignored, or replaced with anger. But as Stephen points out, sadness is not a weakness; it’s a necessary part of being human.

Why Do We Avoid Sadness?

• Cultural Conditioning: From a young age, boys are often taught to “be tough” and avoid vulnerability. This leads to emotional suppression.

• Anger as a Substitute: Many men are more comfortable expressing anger than sadness, because anger feels powerful while sadness feels vulnerable.

• Fear of Weakness: There’s a misconception that sadness is a sign of weakness, when in reality, it’s a sign of emotional depth.

The Importance of Grieving: More Than Just Mourning Loss

Grieving isn’t just for funerals or major tragedies. Dr. Cervantes shared that grieving is a discipline—a regular practice that helps us process the disappointments and transitions of everyday life.

Why Grieving Matters

• Emotional Release: Grieving allows us to let go of what’s past so we can move forward.

• Prevents Bitterness: Unprocessed grief can lead to stagnation, bitterness, and a lack of fulfillment.

• Facilitates Growth: By grieving, we make space for new experiences and personal growth.

Actionable Tip: Practice Micro-Grieving

Did you know that men face an average of 20 disappointments a day? Instead of letting these pile up, take a moment to acknowledge each one. This could be as simple as saying, “That hurt,” or “I’m sad about that.” By naming your sadness, you begin the process of grieving.

Rest Isn’t Just Inactivity—It’s Emotional Regulation

One of the most profound insights from our conversation was the redefinition of “rest.” Rest isn’t just about taking a break; it’s about achieving a state of internal peace and rest, even in the midst of chaos.

How Grieving Leads to Rest

• Emotional Regulation: When we process sadness, we’re less likely to be overwhelmed by it.

• Internal Stability: Grieving helps us return to a place of calm, no matter what’s happening externally.

• Resilience: Regularly engaging with our emotions builds resilience for future challenges.

Actionable Tip: Schedule Time for Emotional Check-Ins

Set aside a few minutes each day to reflect on your emotional state. Ask yourself:

• What am I sad about today?

• Have I allowed myself to feel and express that sadness?

• What do I need to grieve in order to move forward?

Building Connection Through Sadness

Sadness isn’t just a personal experience—it’s a bridge to deeper connection with others. Stephen emphasized that when we allow ourselves to feel and express sadness, we invite others to do the same.

Supporting Others in Their Sadness

• Be Present: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply sit with someone in their sadness.

• Practice Curiosity: Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s this like for you?” or “How are you feeling right now?”

• Avoid Fixing: Resist the urge to offer solutions or platitudes. Just listen and validate their experience.

Actionable Tip: Use Compassion as Your Guide

Compassion literally means “to suffer with.” When someone shares their sadness, respond with empathy and presence. You don’t have to have the right words—just being there is enough.

The Role of Spirituality in Grieving

Dr. Cervantes highlighted the power of prayer as a way to process sadness. Bringing your emotions to God can be a healing practice, allowing you to articulate your struggles and find solace in the Lord.

Actionable Tip: Pray Your Emotions

When you’re feeling sad, try expressing those feelings in prayer. Be honest about your disappointments and hurts. This spiritual dialogue can be a powerful part of your grieving process.

Expert Advice: Making Grieving a Daily Discipline

Dr. Cervantes’s wisdom boils down to this:

Grieving is a discipline, not a one-time event.

The more we practice, the more emotionally healthy and connected we become.

How to Make Grieving a Habit

• Acknowledge Small Losses: Don’t wait for big tragedies—grieve the little things, too.

• Express, Don’t Suppress: Find safe ways to express your sadness, whether through journaling, talking with a friend, or creative outlets.

• Model Vulnerability: Especially for men, showing sadness can give others permission to do the same.

Final Thoughts: Embracing Sadness for Wholeness

If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this episode, it’s that sadness is not your enemy. It’s a vital part of your emotional landscape, and grieving is the path to healing, connection, and rest.

By embracing sadness—both your own and that of others—you open the door to deeper relationships, greater self-awareness, and a more fulfilling life. Let’s challenge the old narratives that tell us to “man up” and instead, let’s become men (and women) who are whole, compassionate, and truly alive.

Your Next Step: Take a moment today to check in with your sadness. What do you need to grieve? Who can you share that with? And how can you support someone else in their sadness?

Let’s walk this journey together—one honest, grieving step at a time.

If you found this post helpful, share it with a friend who might need encouragement. And as always, we’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or reach out to continue the conversation.