I remember realizing I needed to talk with my kids about sex when they were younger but having no idea what all I should include in those discussions. That was not my only fear, but I think it is a concern many parents have. Over the years I have discovered six important conversations to have with every child at every age. The wording changes as your child grows, but the topic does not. Here is a simple guide that may be helpful.
1. Feelings & Emotions
Talk with your child about feelings before you talk with them about sex. To start off talking about sex is too scary for you and your child. Talking about feelings, which is still personal, trains you and your child how to talk about sensitive topics. Talking about your feelings creates a sense of openness that is needed for the more difficult conversations that come later.
Some basic guidelines include:
Ages 3-7: Use a feelings chart to teach a larger vocabulary of feelings.
Ages 8-11: Find healthy ways to respond to difficult feelings, even create a plan for each family member.
Ages 12-18: Help your adolescent discover which uncomfortable feelings cause them to want to escape through an unhealthy behavior.
2. God’s Design for Sex
After you and your child are comfortable talking about feelings it is time to start teaching them God’s Design for Sex at age-appropriate levels. These conversations continue and grow over time as your child is ready to learn more. There are many good books, including Christian books, to help you navigate each topic listed below.
Some basic topical guidelines include:
Ages 3-5: Teach correct names of body parts and get comfortable using those words.
Ages 7-10: Teach the basics of how God makes babies (the mechanics of sex).
Ages 11-12: Teach the rest of the reproductive system. If your child is in school they may learn this there, but you should have conversations about what they learn at home.
Ages 13-18: Have ongoing discussions about relationships, appropriate boundaries, and navigating temptation.
In addition, be sure to draw out any questions they have at each age. It is better for you to explain, even if you think they are too young. Your kids will go find answers somewhere else if you will not answer their questions, and that rarely ends well.
3. Preparing for Exposure
Your child will be exposed to sexual ideas and imagery that you don’t want them to see or hear. Things your child can be exposed to include sexualized media, sexual jokes and stories from peers, sexual objectification, and erotic stories. Your child will navigate exposure with less harm if you teach them what to do when exposure happens.
Some basic guidelines include:
Ages 3-5: Teach body safety and equipping them to say “no” to unwanted hugs, kisses, and touch.
Ages 6-7: Explain what do to if they see nudity or hear disrespectful words about someone’s body.
Ages 8-18: Teach what to do if they are exposed to pornography, sexual jokes, sexual stories, sexual objectification, or unwanted touch. These conversations will increase as your child gets older as the likelihood of exposure goes up dramatically in middle and high school years.
A simple guide for your child to follow when exposed is:
Get away.
Tell Mom or Dad.
You will not be in trouble.
Remain calm and remember to not punish when your child tells you they were exposed. Otherwise they will never tell you again.
4. Navigating Temptation
Every child does experience some form of sexual temptation. You did, and so will your child. However, you can prepare your child to navigate temptation with more success by teaching some basic concepts. The earlier you start, the more equipped you child will be.
Some basic guidelines include:
Ages 3-7: I Want It! Teach children the difference between wants and needs and how to put off the desire for immediate gratification.
Ages 8-10: Your Thinking Brain & Feeling Brain. Teach your child how God designed their brain to work when they feel a conflict between wanting something and knowing it might not be right or good.
Ages 11-13: Understanding Adolescent Thinking Patterns. Teach your children the changes that comes with adolescence that affect how they make decisions, why God designed this to happen to them, and how to manage their newly strong feelings safely.
Ages 13-18: Understanding Sexual Temptation. Fully unpack the truths behind why all of us experience temptation and skills to develop in order to resist them.
Few parents ever received education on navigating temptation. For this reason Be Broken has developed online family courses to help you navigate conversations about temptation at each age. You can access those courses on purelifeacacemy.org
Conversations about Feelings, God’s Design, Preparing for Exposure, and Addressing Temptation are designed to happen in that order. The following two conversations do not happen in any order; they happen when exposure happens. Your child may not be exposed until after you have discussed the first four conversations, or they could be exposed later today. You can be ready to have these conversations any time they are needed.
5. Processing Exposure
I hope that your child will come to you and tell you when they are exposed to sexual content or situations. You can repeatedly encourage them to do so. However, it is possible that your child will not tell you what they have been exposed to unless you ask.
A True Story
A mother recently went through a training similar to this but was sure her seven-year-old son had never been exposed to anything sexual. The training she received played in her head until one day she asked her son if he had heard any words that he knew were bad words. His face turned white. With a trembling voice he asked, “Will I be in trouble?”
The mother realized he must have heard something and she assured him he was not in trouble. The boy asked six more times, “Will I be in trouble? Are you sure?” He was convinced he was going to be in trouble for just hearing words. This is likely why he never told her what he had heard.
When the mother finally convinced her son that he was not in trouble he unloaded a long litany of swear words and sexual slang he had heard other kids using. Then he wanted to know what some of them meant.
Do not imagine your child has not been exposed to anything just because they have not told you yet.
Here is a conversation outline for processing exposure. Ask your child:
Younger kids: What words have you heard that you think might be bad?
Older Kids: What have you seen or heard kids saying or doing related to sex?
How did it happen? How did you see or hear this?
What do you think about what you saw or heard?
How did it make you feel to see or hear that?
Do you have any new questions for me about sex after hearing or seeing this?
What can we do next time?
Can we pray about this?
Notice that there is no lecture or teaching, unless you child asks a new question. This is not a time to teach, this is a time to help them work through what they were exposed to. You are only asking questions here. You may discover that there are new things to teach your child, but this is not the time for that. You can answer questions, but that is all. Do your best to make this a positive experience, so they want to tell you about exposure when it happens in the future.
6. Leveraging Your Story
Leveraging your story is using your past experiences to prove to your child that you are a safe person to share their own experiences and questions with. If you are having one of the conversations outlined and your child freezes up, it is possible they have something to share but are afraid you won’t understand how they feel.
You use your story to prove to your child you are a safe person for them to share with you.
The following are three examples of situations you could leverage your story.
That Happened to Me Too
Your six-year-old is with another child who exposes themself to your child. You find out about it. They may be afraid to talk about what happened. If you had a similar experience as a child, no matter what age, you can say something like, “That happened to me too and I felt ___________.” That is all you would have to say. Then they will feel safer answering the questions listed in Processing Exposure.
This Might Happen to You
Your child is nine or ten and you know that most children today are exposed to pornography during this age range; usually by another child. You might say something like, “When I was about your age a friend showed pornography to me. It made me feel ______ and ______. I want you to tell me when that happens to you so we can talk about it.” You have just made it far more likely your child will tell you when they are first exposed to sexualized media.
I Understand, I did the Same Thing Once
You catch your child looking at or doing something sexually inappropriate or they confess that to you. Before you talk about what they did, use your story to build a connection of shared experience. If you ever purposefully looked at sexual content, you could say, “I looked at something like that too. I felt ________ but also ________, and I didn’t have anyone to talk with. I want you to feel safe talking to me about this so we can work together to help it not happen again.” Your child is now more open to receiving help resisting pornography.
What Now?
Do not feel overwhelmed. You do not need to do all of this at once. Look through the six conversations again. Pick the one you think is best to start with your child. Gather any resources you need and schedule the conversation.
This is not too hard, you are the right parent, your child is in the right home, and you can do this.
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