Breaking the Conflict Cycle: How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Transform Your Marriage
- Jonathan Daugherty
- Aug 15
- 5 min read
Welcome to the new podcast studio!
I’m thrilled to share this space—and today’s conversation—with you. In this episode, I sat down with my good friend and colleague, Dr. Stephen Cervantes from Doctor Marriage to dig deep into the real roots of relationship conflict. If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in the same argument with your spouse, feeling like you’re chasing your tail, this post is for you.
We’re going beyond surface-level advice. We’ll break down the emotional cycles that keep couples stuck, explore the powerful insights of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and show you how to integrate emotional growth with spiritual transformation. Let’s get practical, honest, and hopeful about building a marriage that thrives.
Table of Contents
Understanding the Emotional Cycle of Conflict
Let’s start with a truth: Most marital conflict isn’t about the dishes, the bills, or who forgot to pick up the mail. It’s about the emotional patterns underneath. Dr. Cervantes and I discussed how couples get caught in what Sue Johnson (the founder of EFT) calls the “infinity loop”—a cycle of triggering, reacting, and reinforcing each other’s deepest fears.
Key Insight: You’re not fighting about the issue at hand. You’re fighting about feeling unseen, unvalued, or not good enough.
Why This Matters: If you only address the surface issue, you’ll keep having the same fight. But if you can name and understand the emotional cycle, you can start to change it.
The Five-Step Conflict Loop
Sue Johnson’s model breaks down the conflict cycle into five clear steps. Here’s how it plays out—and how you can use this knowledge to transform your relationship.
1. Triggering Event
What it is: The moment something sets you off. It could be a question, a tone, or even a look.
Example: Your spouse asks, “Did you pay the bill?” and you instantly feel defensive.
2. Body Response
What it is: Your body reacts before your mind catches up. Heart races, muscles tense, stomach drops.
Why it matters: Your body is signaling that you feel threatened—even if the threat isn’t logical.
3. Emotional Response
What it is: The immediate feeling—anger, irritation, shame, or withdrawal.
Common patterns: Some people lash out; others shut down.
4. Core Belief
What it is: The deep, often hidden belief that gets activated. Usually rooted in shame or fear.
Examples: “I’m not good enough.” “I always mess up.” “I’m unlovable.”
5. Final Action
What it is: The behavior you choose—arguing, sulking, walking away, or trying to fix things with logic.
Impact: This action often triggers your spouse’s own cycle, and the loop continues.
Action Step: Take time to map out your own cycle. Write down a recent conflict and identify each of these five steps. Awareness is the first step to change.
Attachment Theory: The Hidden Force in Your Marriage
Dr. Cervantes explained that our emotional cycles are rooted in attachment theory. How you learned to connect (or not connect) as a child shapes how you relate to your spouse.
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment
Secure Attachment: As a child, you felt safe going to your caregiver for comfort. As an adult, you can seek and give comfort in relationships.
Insecure Attachment: If your emotional needs were dismissed or met with anger or shame, you learned to detach. As an adult, you may withdraw or panic when things get emotional.
Why This Matters: Most conflict isn’t about the present moment—it’s about old attachment wounds being triggered.
Expert Tip: If you notice yourself or your spouse withdrawing or chasing during conflict, it’s likely an attachment pattern at work. Compassion, not criticism, is the way forward.
The Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic: Why You Keep Missing Each Other
Almost every couple falls into a pursuer-withdrawer pattern:
Pursuer: Wants to talk, connect, and resolve things now. Feels anxious when there’s distance.
Withdrawer: Needs space, feels overwhelmed by emotional intensity, and retreats to avoid conflict.
How This Plays Out:
The more the pursuer chases, the more the withdrawer retreats.
The more the withdrawer retreats, the more anxious the pursuer becomes.
Real Talk: If you’re the pursuer, your drive to connect can feel like pressure to your spouse. If you’re the withdrawer, your need for space can feel like rejection to your partner.
What to Do:
Pursuers: Practice patience and give your spouse space to process.
Withdrawers: Take small risks to stay engaged, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Breaking the Cycle: Actionable Steps for Change
Understanding the cycle is powerful—but what do you do next? Here’s how to start breaking old patterns and building new ones.
1. Recognize Your Triggers
Pay attention to what sets you off. Is it a certain phrase, tone, or situation?
Keep a journal for a week to track your triggers.
2. Notice Your Body
When you feel tension, pause. Take three slow, deep breaths.
Use your body’s signals as a cue to slow down, not speed up.
3. Name Your Core Fear
Ask yourself: “What am I really afraid of right now?”
Share this with your spouse when you’re both calm: “When this happens, I feel like I’m not enough.”
4. Choose a New Response
Instead of reacting automatically, try something different. If you usually withdraw, stay present for one more minute. If you usually pursue, give your spouse a little space.
Use phrases like, “I’m feeling triggered. Can we take a break and come back to this?”
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Change is hard. You’ll slip back into old patterns. That’s normal.
Celebrate small wins and keep moving forward.
Integrating Emotionally Focused Therapy and Spiritual Growth
As believers, we know that transformation isn’t just about willpower—it’s about grace. Dr. Cervantes reminded us that the gospel isn’t just information; it’s transformation. When you let grace into your emotional life, everything changes.
How to Integrate Faith and Emotional Growth:
Pray for wisdom and courage to face your patterns.
Ask God to help you see your spouse through eyes of compassion.
Remember: The goal isn’t to “win” the argument, but to build one another up in love.
A Prayer for Oneness: “Father, help me with oneness. You specialize in two becoming one. We need your help as we grow. Please bless us with a wonderful, Jesus-centered attachment bond—the kind Jesus has with His Father. Amen.”
Practical Tools and Next Steps
Ready to take action? Here are some resources and next steps to help you on your journey:
Spend 90 seconds a day reading a one-page thought and share it with your spouse.
Use it as a conversation starter, not a lecture.
2. Read “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson
This book is a foundational resource for understanding and changing emotional cycles in marriage.
3. Map Your Cycle Together
Sit down with your spouse and map out each of your five-part cycles.
Approach this with curiosity, not blame.
4. Seek Professional Help
If you’re stuck, consider working with a therapist trained in EFT.
Individual or couples therapy can help you break old patterns and build new ones.
5. Join a Community
Don’t do this work alone. Find a group, church, or online community where you can share your journey and get support.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is inevitable, but disconnection doesn’t have to be. When you understand your emotional cycles, practice self-awareness, and invite grace into your marriage, you can break free from old patterns and build a relationship marked by connection, safety, and love.
Thanks for joining us in this conversation. If you’re ready to take the next step, start by mapping your own cycle and sharing it with your spouse. Remember, change starts with you—and it’s worth it.
Let’s keep building marriages that reflect the love, grace, and unity of Christ.
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