Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight in Marriage: Insights from Dr. Steve Call

Today, we have the pleasure of hosting Dr. Steve Call, a clinical psychologist and co-author of the book The Deep Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight. Dr. Call, along with his co-author Dr. Dan Allender, delves into the intricate connections between past experiences and present marital conflicts, offering valuable insights and practical advice for couples at any stage of their relationship.

In this blog post, we’ll break down the key themes discussed in the episode, providing actionable tips and expert advice to help you cultivate a deeper, more fulfilling marriage. Let’s dive in!

Understanding the Impact of Past Experiences on Present Marriage Struggles

The Influence of Family of Origin and Trauma Histories

Dr. Call emphasizes that many couples are unaware of how their past experiences, particularly those from their family of origin and trauma histories, influence their current relationships. These unaddressed narratives can manifest as conflicts, misunderstandings, and emotional triggers in marriage.

Actionable Tips:

• Reflect on Your Past: Take time to individually reflect on your family dynamics and significant past experiences. Consider how these might be influencing your current relationship.

• Share Your Stories: Create a safe space with your partner to share these reflections. Understanding each other’s backgrounds can foster empathy and connection.

• Seek Professional Help: If past traumas are significantly impacting your relationship, consider seeking the help of a therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

Cultivating Awareness and Curiosity

Awareness is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Dr. Call suggests that couples need to cultivate a mindset of curiosity rather than blame. When conflicts arise, instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” or “What’s wrong with me?” shift to questions like, “What is this about?” and “What is it connected to?”

Actionable Tips:

• Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to understand your emotions and reactions. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: During conflicts, ask your partner open-ended questions to understand their perspective. For example, “Could you help me understand what you’re feeling right now?”

• Pause and Reflect: When emotions run high, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can prevent escalation and promote thoughtful communication.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Awareness

The Power of the Pause Button

Dr. Call introduces the concept of hitting the “pause button” during disagreements. This involves taking a moment to step back, reflect, and then re-engage with a clearer mind.

Actionable Tips:

• Agree on a Signal: Establish a signal with your partner that indicates the need for a pause. This could be a specific word or gesture.

• Take a Break: Use the pause to engage in a calming activity, such as deep breathing, taking a walk, or listening to music.

• Revisit the Conversation: After the pause, come back to the conversation with a commitment to understanding each other’s perspectives.

Building the Muscle of Curiosity

Developing curiosity in relationships is like building a muscle—it requires practice and intentionality. Dr. Call notes that curiosity is often not modeled in our upbringing, making it a foreign concept for many.

Actionable Tips:

• Practice Daily Check-Ins: Set aside time each day to check in with your partner about their feelings and experiences.

• Engage in Active Listening: When your partner shares, listen actively without interrupting or planning your response. Show genuine interest in their perspective.

• Explore Together: Engage in activities that foster curiosity and learning together, such as taking a class, exploring a new hobby, or traveling.

The Role of Play in Healing

Embracing Playfulness

Dr. Call highlights the importance of play in relationships, describing it as a healing balm that fosters connection and joy. Play can help couples navigate the challenges of marriage, especially when dealing with past traumas.

Actionable Tips:

• Schedule Playtime: Set aside regular time for playful activities, whether it’s a game night, a fun outing, or a creative project.

• Be Spontaneous: Embrace spontaneity in your relationship. Surprise your partner with a playful gesture or activity.

• Laugh Together: Find humor in everyday moments. Laughter can be a powerful tool for connection and stress relief.

Overcoming Shame Through Play

For couples recovering from sexual brokenness or betrayal, embracing play can be particularly challenging. However, Dr. Call encourages seeing play as an antidote to shame, helping to loosen its grip on the relationship.

Actionable Tips:

• Start Small: Begin with small, low-pressure playful activities that feel safe and comfortable for both partners.

• Create a Safe Environment: Ensure that playtime is free from judgment and criticism. Focus on enjoying the moment together.

• Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate small steps towards embracing playfulness in your relationship.

Creating Safety During Triggers

Managing Emotional Triggers

Dr. Call explains that when both partners are triggered, it can lead to a cycle of shame and disconnection. He emphasizes the importance of awareness and internal scripts—what individuals tell themselves about their feelings and experiences.

Actionable Tips:

• Identify Triggers: Work together to identify common triggers in your relationship. Understanding these can help you prepare and respond more effectively.

• Use Grounding Techniques: When triggered, use grounding techniques such as deep breathing, prayer, or physical movement to regulate your emotions.

• Communicate Needs: Clearly communicate your needs to your partner during triggered moments. For example, “I need a few minutes to calm down before we continue this conversation.”

Strategies for Recovery

Dr. Call shares practical strategies for recovery during triggered moments, emphasizing the importance of self-care and reflection.

Actionable Tips:

• Engage in Physical Activity: Physical movement, such as taking a walk or engaging in exercise, can help process emotional responses.

• Reflect and Journal: Take time to reflect on your feelings and experiences through journaling or recording your thoughts.

• Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring you comfort and joy, such as spending time with a pet, enjoying a warm blanket, or pursuing a favorite hobby.

Final Thoughts and Messages of Hope

Nourishing Your Relationship

Dr. Call uses the metaphor of soil amendments to illustrate the importance of nourishing your relationship. Just as plants need nutrients to thrive, couples need resources and support to cultivate a flourishing relationship.

Actionable Tips:

• Seek Resources: Explore books, podcasts, and other resources that offer guidance and support for your relationship.

• Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with trusted friends, mentors, or a support group that can provide encouragement and advice.

• Invest in Growth: Commit to ongoing personal and relational growth. Attend workshops, seek counseling, and engage in activities that strengthen your bond.

Embracing the Journey

Dr. Call emphasizes that the journey of marriage requires intentional care and attention. By being aware of your needs and seeking growth, you can cultivate a deeper, more fulfilling relationship, even amidst challenges.

Actionable Tips:

• Set Intentional Goals: Regularly set goals for your relationship and work together to achieve them.

• Celebrate Milestones: Acknowledge and celebrate milestones and achievements in your relationship, no matter how small.

• Stay Committed: Remember that marriage is a journey. Stay committed to each other and to the process of growth and healing.

Resources for Couples

For those interested in exploring more about Dr. Call’s work, visit The Reconnect Institute website, where you can find The Deep Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight and additional resources for couples looking to deepen their connection and work through challenges together.

Thank you for joining us on this journey towards cultivating intimacy, healing, and delight in your marriage. We hope these insights and tips from Dr. Steve Call inspire you to take meaningful steps towards a more fulfilling relationship. Stay tuned for more episodes and resources to support you on your path to experiencing wholeness in Christ.