How to Move from Anxious Attachment to Secure Attachment
- Jonathan Daugherty
- Aug 1
- 5 min read
In this episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Trevor Hanson, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in attachment issues—especially anxious attachment. Trevor’s personal journey from struggling with anxious attachment to helping others find healing is not only inspiring but packed with practical wisdom. In this post, I’ll break down the main themes and actionable tips from our conversation, offering you a comprehensive guide to understanding and transforming your own attachment style.
Watch the full episode here:
Table of Contents
Understanding Attachment Styles: The Foundation of Connection
Attachment styles are the invisible threads that shape how we connect, love, and relate to others. Trevor explained that these styles are formed in early childhood, based on how our caregivers responded to our emotional and physical needs.
Key Points:
Secure Attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, teaching us that we are safe and worthy of love.
Insecure Attachment (anxious or avoidant) can develop even without overt abuse. Subtle dynamics—like a distracted parent—can leave a child feeling unseen or unworthy.
Attachment styles are not about blame but about understanding the patterns that drive our adult relationships.
Expert Insight: Even siblings raised in the same home can develop different attachment styles, depending on their unique experiences and interpretations. This highlights the deeply personal nature of attachment.
The Fluidity of Attachment: You’re Not Stuck
One of the most empowering messages from Trevor is that attachment styles are not set in stone. They exist on a spectrum and can shift over time, especially through emotionally transformative experiences.
How Attachment Styles Change:
New Relationships: Being with a secure partner can help someone with anxious attachment feel safer and more confident.
Therapeutic Work: Therapy, self-reflection, and prayer can create new emotional experiences that rewire old patterns.
Self-Compassion: Learning to treat yourself with kindness and understanding is a key driver of change.
Actionable Advice:
Don’t label yourself as “broken” or “stuck.”
Look for opportunities to experience safety, validation, and connection—both with others and within yourself. Seek your ultimate safety in God.
Recognizing Anxious Attachment: Signs and Symptoms
If you’re wondering whether you have an anxious attachment style, Trevor shared some common signs to look for:
Fear of Abandonment: Worrying that others will leave or reject you.
Relationship Anxiety: Feeling uneasy or insecure in close relationships.
Negative Self-View: Believing you’re not enough or must prove your worth to be loved.
Clinginess or Over-Texting: Seeking constant reassurance or reacting strongly to perceived slights.
Situational Confidence: You might feel secure at work but anxious in romantic or social settings.
Expert Tip: Notice where these patterns show up in your life. Awareness is the first step toward change.
Mapping Your Anxious Attachment Cycle: The TEMPO Framework
Trevor introduced a powerful tool for breaking the cycle of anxious attachment: the TEMPO framework. This method helps you map out your triggers and responses, giving you the clarity needed to interrupt old patterns.
The TEMPO Breakdown
T – Trigger: The event or situation that sparks your anxiety (e.g., your partner seems distant).
E – Emotion: The immediate feeling that arises (e.g., fear, anxiety, discomfort).
M – Meaning: The story you tell yourself about the trigger (e.g., “They must be mad at me,” or “I’m not lovable”).
P – Protection: The behaviors you use to cope (e.g., withdrawing, over-texting, criticizing, or people-pleasing).
O – Outcome: The result of your protective behaviors (e.g., increased distance, loneliness, or more anxiety).
How to Use TEMPO:
Write it down. When you notice anxiety, jot down each step of the cycle.
Look for patterns. Where do you get stuck? What meanings do you assign?
Interrupt the cycle. Try regulating your emotions, challenging your interpretations, or choosing a new behavior.
Pro Insight: Just mapping out your cycle can create enough distance to see things more clearly and make different choices.
Creating Emotionally Transformative Experiences
Healing anxious attachment isn’t just about thinking differently—it’s about feeling differently. Trevor shared a moving story of a father validating his daughter’s meltdown at Chick-fil-A, using compassion and truth to help her regulate her emotions.
How This Applies to You:
Validate Your Feelings:
When you feel anxious, don’t shame or ignore that part of yourself. Instead, turn toward it with compassion, as you would with a hurting child.
Speak Truth with Kindness:
Acknowledge your fears, but also remind yourself of reality (e.g., “I am safe,” “I am loved,” “This feeling will pass”).
Practice Self-Compassion:
Visualize speaking to your inner child, offering the validation and reassurance you may have missed growing up. Even better, visualize Jesus speaking to your inner child, reminding you that you are seen and loved.
Action Steps:
When triggered, pause and notice where you feel anxiety in your body.
Close your eyes and imagine comforting that part of yourself.
Use gentle, affirming language: “It’s okay to feel this way. I'm still breathing. God is here with me.”
The Secure Self Journey: Ongoing Growth Toward Security
Moving from anxious to secure attachment is not a one-time event—it’s a lifelong journey. Trevor’s Secure Self Club guides people through this process, focusing on:
Recognizing Unmet Needs:
Identify the core needs (validation, being seen, safety) that went unmet in childhood.
Inner Dialogue:
Develop a compassionate relationship with your anxious parts, reassuring them that you are now capable of meeting your own needs.
Creating New Experiences:
Seek out relationships and environments that reinforce your sense of security and worth.
Expert Advice:
Growth is not linear. Expect setbacks and celebrate progress.
Surround yourself with supportive people—friends, partners, therapists—who model secure attachment.
Use visualization and prayer to reinforce new, healthier patterns.
Resources and Next Steps
If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, Trevor offers a free 45-minute seminar covering the four essential elements often overlooked in attachment healing. You can find more information and resources at:
Instagram: @theartofhealingbytrevor
Website: theartofhealingbytrevor.com
What You’ll Find:
Free seminars and discovery calls
The Secure Self Club program
Practical tools, visualizations, and community support
Final Thoughts
Healing anxious attachment is possible—and you don’t have to do it alone. By understanding your patterns, practicing self-compassion, and seeking out emotionally transformative experiences, you can move toward a more secure, fulfilling way of relating to yourself and others.
If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the full episode and explore Trevor’s resources. Remember, every step you take toward understanding and healing is a step toward deeper connection and wholeness.
Take care, and keep moving forward on your journey to secure attachment!
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