Emotional Intimacy in Addiction Recovery: How Experiencing Brotherly Love Can Help You Love a Woman

I believe group therapy is the best option for addiction recovery, even more so than individual therapy. While individual therapy has merit in helping a client dive deep into their personal issues, it lacks the valuable interpersonal connections that a group can foster – connections that so many choose to avoid in isolation.

In my men’s sex addiction groups, this means not only a sense of connection with other fellow strugglers, but it also holds immense value in shame reduction. Shame reduction is much harder in one-on-one therapy because it’s just me and the client. Whereas in a group setting, shame can be significantly reduced by witnessing others empathize with one another. Another reason I value group therapy over individual therapy is the potential to help men learn how to love unconditionally without the entanglements of romance.

The men I see in early recovery don’t have a broad enough scope of true love. Their “love” has been biased towards sexual attraction, fantasy, and romance. In addition, what they’ve learned about adult love oftentimes is skewed and swayed as their emotions intertwine with people-pleasing, codependency, and enmeshment.

In these men’s groups, the guys get to experience Phileo love. In other words, a deep, brotherly love that isn’t complicated with romantic attachments (with the exception of same-sex attraction). In this crucible, brotherly love deepens and enriches how men view relationships, and thus they can return to their romantic partners with a renewed sense of what’s possible in terms of depth and emotional intimacy.

So, how is this done? Part of it is the structure and boundaries of group therapy. We ask men to be honest with each other about their feelings, both about themselves and about how they feel towards others. As the therapist, I make it clear that emotional intimacy depends on honesty—the honesty and transparency that foster depth, even when disagreements occur. If anything, it’s in the discomfort and challenging relational ruptures where growth finds its way into the process.

In normal male-female romantic relationships, the fear of abandonment is real. Maybe not in physical abandonment per se, but at least in terms of emotional abandonment. Will my partner judge me? Will she reject me? Will she think I’m weak? All of this blunts what a man feels they can share with a woman.

In group therapy, while these same concerns may be there, there’s emotional safety in knowing the guys are there for each other, no matter what happens both within group therapy and in their everyday lives. For example, men will not have to fear as much when sharing in group therapy about their slips or relapses, knowing group therapy is about growth, not perfection. Also, if they give or receive feedback from another man in the group, there is safety undergirding any misinterpretations or hurt that may occur.

An example of this from one of my groups is when a guy kept relapsing to pornography whenever he went to a particular social media outlet ostensibly to read news, but kept stumbling onto provocative images of women. When group members saw this pattern, they firmly suggested the guy find another news outlet. Initially, the man balked at this idea and was defensive, citing that this was the only source of news he could trust. He was hurt because he didn’t think his peers understood him. But over time, he came to see their wisdom and realized that their feedback wasn’t meant to deprive him but given out of love.

When he accepted this act as love, his demeanor shifted. The defensive grip not only loosened in group, but also with his wife and teenage kids. In the months to follow, he would beam about group therapy, sharing how much that experience made him see a level of love that he had never experienced, both growing up and with his wife.

He also uttered these words in a group, “I love you guys!” He blushed at first, stating, “I’ve never said that to anyone other than my wife and kids”. He knew this love he learned in relationships with other men was transformative; it gave him a new way of relating to his wife. He could love her in a new way. He not only could be more emotionally honest with her, but he also learned love meant being courageous enough to say what he had to say, even if it meant risking rejection, judgment, or experiencing feelings of inadequacy. Truth be told, most of those fears were of his own making.

The adage “You can’t truly love a woman until you learn to love a man” was a lesson he learned on his path to recovery. 

Are you courageous enough to place yourself in a potentially risky situation with a group of other men to grow in emotional intimacy? Phileo love could be the game changer in how you’re able to love others, especially your wife.

Take your brave next step into experiencing brotherly love at an upcoming Gateway to Freedom men’s intensive.

Check out Effective Allies, a Pure Life Academy eCourse for men that explains three important aspects of conversations to greatly enhance our ability to leave unwanted sexual behaviors behind.