Navigating Intimacy and Sexuality as a Single Christian
- Jonathan Daugherty
- Jun 12
- 5 min read
One of the great blind spots in the church is how little we talk about intimacy for single adults. We often move quickly from sexuality to marriage, as if that is the only context where human longing, connection, and embodied desire matter. But the truth is that every person is made for intimacy, and every person needs to learn how to steward sexual desire, emotional longing, and the need to be known.
That is why this conversation with Dr. Carol Tanksley is so important. She helps us see that singleness is not a spiritual downgrade, and it is not a waiting room for “real life.” Singleness is a worthy vocation, and it comes with real opportunities, real challenges, and real discipleship.
Why This Matters
We need to start by naming something the church often avoids: many single Christians feel left out. Some feel invisible in church culture. Others feel pressure, shame, or even a subtle message that they are "less than" until they marry. That is not the voice of Jesus.
Carol’s perspective is powerful because she has lived this in more than one season. She was single for decades, married for a time, and is now single again after the death of her husband. She knows firsthand that the needs of the heart do not disappear just because your relationship status changes.
The need to be seen, known, cared for, and connected is deeply human.
And that matters for married people too. Marriage does not erase the need for intimacy, and sex does not automatically create it. A person can be married and still lonely. A person can be single and deeply connected. That distinction is worth recovering.
Sex and Intimacy are Not Identical
One of the most helpful parts of this conversation is the distinction between sex and intimacy. They are connected in God’s design for marriage, but they are not the same thing. Sex is a physical expression; intimacy is relational knowing.
Our culture has trained us to believe that if we can just satisfy our sexual urges, then we will be whole. But that is a lie. Human beings need more than release. We need connection, affirmation, safety, affection, and presence. We need to know and be known.
That means a single Christian is not deprived of intimacy just because marriage is not present. It also means a married Christian is not automatically intimate just because sex is happening. Real intimacy goes deeper than physical behavior.
Jesus Shows Us a Better Way
Carol made an important point: Jesus was fully human and fully alive, yet he never married and never had sex. That alone should challenge the assumption that a happy sex life is the measure of a full life.
Jesus was not 'less than' because he was single. He was the most fully alive human who ever walked the earth.
How did Jesus live with that reality? First, he lived in intimate communion with the Father. That relationship was not optional or occasional. It was the core of his life. Second, he pursued real human friendship. He had Peter, James, and John. He ate with people, traveled with people, and shared life with a few close companions.
That is a model worth following. We are not meant to carry our lives alone. We are not meant to confuse romance with relationship or sex with being fully known. Jesus shows us that intimacy is larger than sexuality, and that the deepest foundation of life is communion with God.
What Singles Need
Single adults often carry real longing: for touch, for companionship, for comfort, for affirmation, for emotional regulation, and yes, for sexual release. Those desires are not weird. They are human. The issue is not whether the desires exist, but how we respond to them.
Carol offered a few wise and practical ideas. One is to notice the surge of desire without panicking. Urges rise and fall. They are powerful, but they are not permanent. Learning to sit with discomfort for a moment can help break the cycle of compulsive reaction.
Another important question is: what are you really wanting when you want sex? Sometimes the deeper need is validation. Sometimes it is comfort. Sometimes it is excitement. Sometimes it is the need to be known or soothed. Once we identify the deeper hunger, we can pursue healthier ways to meet it.
Physical touch matters too. Human beings are embodied, and skin hunger is real. A warm hug, a hand on the shoulder, or a welcoming home can communicate a level of care that words alone cannot. The church should not be afraid of appropriate, safe, affectionate connection.
The Church's Responsibility
This conversation should not stop with the individual. The church has a real responsibility here. Too often, our churches communicate—sometimes unintentionally—that the real audience is married people with children. Singles may be present, but they are not always seen.
That needs to change. Pastors and ministry leaders should include single people in illustrations, in leadership, in discipleship, and in the normal life of the church. They should not be treated as a separate category or a problem to solve. They are part of the body of Christ.
We also need to stop using language or teaching that makes unmarried believers feel like second-class Christians. The kingdom of God is built on “one another” commands, not marital status. We are called to love, serve, bear burdens, confess sins, and pray for one another regardless of whether we are married or single.
Shame Can Be Healed
Many single Christians carry shame about their past sexual choices. Some have acted out in ways they regret. Some have hidden for years. Some have believed the lie that getting married will magically erase the deeper brokenness. It will not.
The way forward is not denial. It is honesty. Carol’s simple counsel was excellent:
Be honest with yourself, tell somebody, and tell Jesus.
Shame loses its power when it is brought into the light. That does not mean the pain disappears instantly, but it does mean healing can begin.
The Apostle Paul is a good example here. He did not pretend his past did not exist, and he did not glory in it either. He let Jesus redeem his story. That can be true for anyone. Your past does not have to become your identity.
Stay Clean, Connected, Consecrated
Carol’s closing framework is especially helpful: stay clean, stay connected, stay consecrated. That is a simple way to think about faithful living for singles and married people alike.
Stay clean means be thoughtful about what you take in, what you watch, what you feed your mind, and what kind of environments shape your desires.
Stay connected means pursue real relationships, especially a few trusted people who know your life well enough to speak truth.
Stay consecrated means hold every part of your life up to Jesus—your loneliness, your desires, your regrets, your hopes, and your future.
That is not a formula. It is a way of life. And it is good news for the single Christian who wonders whether faithfulness is really possible. It is. And not only possible—beautiful.
A Better Vision for Single Christians
The church does not need to choose between honoring marriage and honoring singleness. Both are worthy callings. Both can be lived faithfully. Both can reveal something true about God.
Marriage is a gift, but it is not the goal.
Sex is good, but it is not ultimate.
Intimacy matters, but it begins with God and extends into a healthy, wise, loving community of faith.
When the church gets this right, single people are not sidelined, married people are not inflated, and everyone has a clearer picture of what human wholeness is really about.
That is the invitation: not to settle for shallow substitutes, and not to believe the lies that tell us we are incomplete without a particular relationship status. Jesus is enough, and his body—the church—should be a place where single and married alike can learn what true intimacy means.
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