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Exploring True Intimacy: Insights and Actionable Steps from Dr. Carol Tanksley

  • Writer: Jonathan Daugherty
    Jonathan Daugherty
  • Jun 27
  • 5 min read

In today’s episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Dr. Carol Tanksley—a passionate advocate for healing, wholeness, and, most importantly, intimacy. Our conversation was rich, honest, and deeply practical, especially for anyone wrestling with the complexities of relationships, sexuality, and the universal longing to be truly known.

If you’ve ever wondered what intimacy really means, why it matters, and how to pursue it (even if you feel broken or afraid), this post is for you. I’m breaking down Dr. Carol's wisdom into actionable steps, nuanced insights, and expert advice—so you can start cultivating deeper connections with God and others, right where you are.


Table of Contents

back porch of Dr. Carol's Transformation Place

1. Ministry Updates: Creating Space for Healing

Dr. Carol shared an exciting update: her ministry has established a new physical space on 12 beautiful acres outside Austin, Texas. This isn’t just a building—it’s a sanctuary for events, intensives, and healing, especially for women navigating sexual brokenness.


Key Takeaways:

  • Physical space matters: Healing often requires a safe, welcoming environment.

  • Community is essential: The first fundraising gala and intensive brought people together, fostering openness and connection.

  • God’s provision exceeds expectations: Dr. Tanksley’s journey to this space is a testament to trusting God’s timing and abundance.


2. What Is Intimacy? A Deeper Definition

We often reduce intimacy to sex, but Dr. Tanksley challenges us to see it as so much more. She defines intimacy as:

“Seeing and being seen, knowing and being known—without barriers.”

She references Genesis 2:25, where Adam and Eve were “naked and felt no shame.” This isn’t just about physical nakedness, but emotional and spiritual openness.


Nuanced Insights:

  • Intimacy is universal: Married or single, we all crave to be deeply known.

  • Jesus modeled intimacy: He was never married, yet experienced profound closeness with God the Father and a few trusted friends.

  • Intimacy is about vulnerability: It’s the courage to let others see the real you.

friends toasting over a table in a cafe

3. Why Relational Intimacy Matters More Than You Think

Many people believe sexual activity is the only way to fulfill their need for intimacy. Dr. Carol debunks this myth:


  • Eros is more than sex: The longing for connection is God-given and points us back to Him.

  • Relational intimacy is foundational: Without it, sexual intimacy becomes empty or even harmful.

  • You can be married and lonely: No one person can meet all your needs; deep friendships are vital.


Actionable Advice:

  • Invest in a few close relationships: Like Jesus with Peter, James, and John, seek out a small circle for deeper connection.

  • Don’t wait for marriage to pursue intimacy: Start building meaningful friendships now.


4. Sensuality Beyond Sexuality: Reclaiming Healthy Touch

granddaughter hugging grandmother

Dr. Carol introduced the concept of “skin hunger”—the deep human need for non-sexual touch. Our culture often sexualizes all physical affection, but we’re wired for more.


Practical Tips:

  • Give and receive hugs: Safe, appropriate touch can be healing.

  • Engage your senses: Enjoy music, nature, or a comforting scent to foster connection.

  • Don’t conflate touch with sex: Reclaim the beauty of platonic affection.


Expert Insight: Touch is a language of care. When we lose it, we risk isolation and emotional numbness.


5. Obstacles to Intimacy: Shame, Trauma, and Emotional Walls

Why is intimacy so hard? Dr. Carol identifies several barriers:


  • Unhealthy sexual experiences: These can create emotional distance and mistrust.

  • Shame: The fear of being seen keeps us hidden and alone.

  • Emotional walls: Built for self-protection, these walls often outlast their usefulness and block connection.


How to Start Overcoming:

  • Acknowledge your pain: Healing begins with honesty.

  • Seek safe spaces: Find people or groups where vulnerability is welcomed.

  • Invite God into your wounds: Spiritual intimacy is the foundation for all other healing.


6. Cultivating Intimacy with God: Practical Steps

open bible on rock in the woods

Feeling distant from God? Dr. Carol offers these steps:


  • Bring your whole self: Don’t hide your emotions, doubts, or struggles.

  • Start small: Even a few minutes of honest prayer or journaling can open the door.

  • Be authentic: God desires your real self, not a polished version.


Personal Practice: Dr. Carol spends daily time being present with God, naming her feelings, and inviting Him into her day. This isn’t about performance—it’s about relationship.


7. Building Deeper Human Connections: Actionable Tips

Ready to pursue intimacy with others? Here’s how to start:


Step 1: Identify Safe People

  • Make a list: Write down a few acquaintances or friends who seem trustworthy.

  • Pray over the list: Ask God for wisdom about whom to approach.


Step 2: Take the First Step

  • Reach out: Use a simple, vulnerable script:


“God is working on me, and I feel called to connect more deeply with a few people. I wonder if you might be one of those people. Could we talk about something?”

  • Set expectations: Let them know you’re not asking for solutions—just presence.


Step 3: Go Deeper in Existing Relationships

  • Ask deeper questions: Move beyond surface-level conversation.

  • Share your story: Vulnerability invites vulnerability.

  • Be patient: Intimacy grows over time, not overnight.


Pro Tip: Not every group or friendship will go deep. That’s okay. Focus on finding a few who are willing to journey with you.


8. Overcoming Fear and Embracing Vulnerability


man alone in woods

Let’s be honest: pursuing intimacy is scary. You might feel awkward, afraid, or unsure. That’s normal!


Mantras to Remember:

  • “Do it afraid.” Courage isn’t the absence of fear—it is the presence of hope. Take the next step, even when you are afraid.

  • “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” You don’t have to get it right the first time. Persistence pays off - eventually!


Encouragement: Jesus is patient and relentless in your journey. Take one step at a time, and trust that healing is possible.


9. Resources for Your Journey

Dr. Carol offers several resources to help you take your next steps:



10. Final Thoughts: The Worth of Pursuing Wholeness

Intimacy is not a luxury—it’s a core human need. Whether you’re single, married, or somewhere in between, you were made for deep connection with God and others. The journey can be messy, slow, and sometimes painful, but it’s always worth it.


Remember:

  • You don’t have to do this alone.

  • Start small, be honest, and keep going—even when it’s hard.

  • Healing and wholeness are possible, one step at a time.


If you’re ready to take your next step, check out the resources above, and know that you’re not alone.

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