Outgrow Porn: A Compassionate, Growth-Oriented Path to Lasting Freedom
- Jonathan Daugherty
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Today, I’m excited to share insights from my recent conversation with Drew Boa, author of the new book Outgrow Porn: Find Lasting Freedom Without Fighting an Exhausting Battle. If you’ve ever felt trapped in a cycle of shame, willpower battles, and discouragement around unwanted sexual behaviors, this post is for you. Drew’s approach is refreshingly different—rooted in compassion, deep self-understanding, and a growth mindset that moves beyond the limitations of purity culture and military-style recovery.
Let’s dive into the main themes and actionable strategies from our discussion, breaking down each key concept so you can begin your own journey toward lasting freedom.
Table of Contents
The Problem with Purity Culture
Purity culture was a well-intentioned movement in the evangelical church, but it left many men and women with deep wounds and confusion about sexuality. Drew identifies five core problems:
1. Toxic Shame
Message: Sex is dirty, dangerous, and shameful unless you’re married.
Impact: Many grew up with little or no healthy conversation about sex, leading to secrecy and self-loathing.
Actionable Insight: Recognize that shame is not a motivator for lasting change. Begin to separate your sexual struggles from your core identity.
2. Repressed Sexuality
Message: Good Christians don’t have sexual thoughts or feelings.
Impact: Suppressing sexuality only makes it stronger, fueling cycles of binge and purge.
Actionable Insight: Allow yourself to acknowledge and process your sexual feelings without judgment. Curiosity and compassion are more effective than repression.
3. The Military Mindset
Message: Recovery is a battle—fight, conquer, and eradicate your sexuality.
Impact: While discipline is helpful, constant self-war leads to exhaustion and self-rejection.
Actionable Insight: Recognize that sexuality is not an enemy to be defeated, but a part of you to be understood and integrated.
4. Cultures of Control
Message: Rigid rules and behavior management are the path to purity.
Impact: Many recovery groups focus on external behaviors, neglecting the relational and emotional roots of addiction.
Actionable Insight: Seek out recovery communities that prioritize relationships, vulnerability, and holistic healing over mere rule-keeping.
5. Missing the Full Picture
Message: Sexuality is only about resisting temptation.
Impact: This view ignores the biological, psychological, relational, and spiritual dimensions of sexuality.
Actionable Insight: Embrace a broader, more positive vision of sexuality as a good gift from God, meant for connection and joy.
Why the Military Mindset Falls Short
While there’s a place for discipline and resistance, Drew points out that the “fight” is only a small part of the journey—maybe 15%. The rest is about healing, growth, and integration.
Nuance: The military mindset can help you take your struggle seriously, but it keeps you locked in a battle against yourself.
Expert Advice: Shift from a war footing to a growth mindset. Instead of asking, “How do I defeat this?” ask, “What is this struggle trying to teach me about myself?”
The Outgrow Porn Approach: Healing the Inner Child
Drew’s core insight is that men don’t get hooked on porn—boys do. Most people’s first exposure to pornography happens in childhood, often before age 13. The part of you that feels drawn to porn is not your mature adult self, but the wounded inner child.
What Is Inner Child Work?
Biblical Foundation: Psalm 131 describes the soul as a weaned child with its mother—needing comfort, not punishment.
Scientific Foundation: The “inner child” refers to implicit memories and emotional patterns formed in childhood that resurface in adulthood.
Practical Application: When you feel a strong urge or trigger, ask yourself:
When have I felt this way before?
What story from my past does this feeling connect to?
Action Step: Work with a counselor, therapist, or trusted group leader to explore these connections. Healing comes from understanding and comforting the younger parts of yourself, not shaming or suppressing them.
Understanding Triggers: Pain and Pleasure
Triggers are not just about temptation—they’re clues to your story.
Two Types of Triggers
Pain Triggers: Experiences of shame, loneliness, or rejection that feel intolerable.
Pleasure Triggers: Irresistible attractions or fantasies, often linked to specific people, images, or scenarios.
How to Work with Triggers
Trace the Story: When you’re triggered, ask:
When have I felt this pain or pleasure before?
What was happening in my life at that time?
Example: If you’re drawn to a specific type of porn, consider what that symbolizes from your adolescence or childhood.
Actionable Advice: Don’t just try to avoid triggers—get curious about them. They are trailheads leading to deeper healing.
The Three Core Sexual Wounds: Fear, Shame, and Loss
Drew identifies three “sexual losers”—core emotional wounds that often drive unwanted sexual behavior:
1. Fear
Root: Times in childhood when you felt unsafe or threatened.
Manifestation: Seeking comfort or escape through sexual fantasy or behavior.
2. Shame
Root: Experiences of humiliation, inadequacy, or feeling “bad.”
Manifestation: Using porn to numb or escape from self-loathing.
3. Loss
Root: Deep unmet needs—love, connection, affirmation—that were never fulfilled.
Manifestation: Porn becomes a substitute for real intimacy and belonging.
Why Not Anger?
Insight: Anger is often a surface emotion covering deeper fear, shame, or loss.
Actionable Steps
Reflect on your own story:
When did you first feel afraid, ashamed, or deprived?
How did you cope as a child?
Begin to grieve these losses and seek healthy ways to meet those needs today.
Relapse as Feedback, Not Failure
One of the most liberating shifts Drew offers is to view relapse not as a moral failure, but as valuable feedback.
Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset
Fixed Mindset: “I’m broken and will always struggle.”
Growth Mindset: “I made a mistake, but I can learn from it.”
How to Use Relapse as Feedback
After a relapse, ask:
What was I feeling or needing in that moment?
What triggered me, and what does it reveal about my story?
Use each setback as an opportunity for deeper self-understanding and healing.
The Role of Grace and Self-Compassion
Lasting freedom is built on a foundation of grace—not just from God, but toward yourself.
Why Grace Matters
Motivation: The most powerful driver of change is knowing you are loved and accepted, even in your mess.
Ongoing Growth: Even after years of freedom from porn, there are always new layers of healing and maturity to pursue.
Self-Compassion: Learn to love the younger, wounded parts of yourself. This is not self-indulgence—it’s the path to wholeness.
Actionable Advice
When you stumble, remind yourself: “This is an invitation to receive more grace, not a reason to give up.”
Practice speaking kindly to yourself, especially to the parts of you that still struggle.
Practical Steps and Resources
Ready to take your next step? Here’s how to put these insights into action:
1. Reflect on Your Story
Journal about your first experiences with sexuality and porn.
Identify moments of fear, shame, or loss in your childhood.
2. Get Support
Find a counselor, therapist, or recovery group that understands the importance of inner child work and holistic healing.
Avoid groups that focus solely on behavior management or shame-based accountability.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
When triggered, pause and ask: “What does my younger self need right now?”
Offer yourself the kindness and comfort you may have missed as a child.
4. Embrace a Growth Mindset
View setbacks as opportunities to learn, not reasons to quit.
Celebrate progress, no matter how small.
5. Access Resources
Book: Outgrow Porn
Website: HusbandMaterial.com
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