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Writer's pictureJonathan Daugherty

The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality (with Sam Jolman)

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Pure Sex Radio! Today, Jonathan sits down with Sam Jolman, a therapist, author, and father of three, to discuss his groundbreaking book, "The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality." This episode dives deep into the often-neglected conversations about sexuality, the impact of shame and purity culture, and the distinction between normal arousal and lust. Let's break down the key insights and actionable advice from this episode.



Understanding the Importance of Sexual Conversations

The Embodied Experience of Sexuality

Sam begins by emphasizing the profound mystery of human sexuality. Unlike abstract subjects like mathematics or geology, sexuality is an embodied experience, making it inherently more challenging to discuss. This embodiment touches on personal stories and histories that many people would rather avoid.


Generational Patterns of Shame

Sam shares his own experience of receiving minimal sex education from his parents, highlighting the generational patterns of shame that often inhibit open discussions about sexuality. He recounts how his mother handed him a book on sex and suggested he ask his brother if he had questions, leaving him feeling unsupported and confused. This anecdote illustrates the broader issue of how many parents, burdened by their own shame and cultural pressures, struggle to engage in meaningful conversations about sexuality with their children.


The Role of Shame in Sexual Development

Exploring Personal Stories of Shame

Sam explains that many individuals carry shame related to their sexuality, often stemming from their upbringing or past experiences. He encourages listeners to explore their own stories of shame and recognize that these feelings can be addressed and transformed. By fostering curiosity about their own sexual narratives, individuals can begin to dismantle the shame that has been imposed upon them.


Reclaiming Innocence and Wonder

Sam believes that understanding the original goodness of human sexuality, as intended by God, is crucial for healing. This perspective allows individuals to challenge the negative messages they have internalized and reclaim a healthier view of their sexuality.


father-son at table

Guidance for Parents

Confronting Personal Stories of Shame

As a father of three boys, Sam offers practical advice for parents, particularly fathers, on how to approach conversations about sexuality with their children. He stresses that the first step is for parents to confront their own stories of shame. By doing so, they can create a more open and honest environment for their children to explore their own sexuality without fear or shame.


Ongoing Dialogue

Sam advocates for an ongoing dialogue about sexuality rather than a single, awkward "sex talk." He suggests that parents engage in numerous brief conversations throughout their children's lives, starting from an early age. This approach allows children to feel comfortable asking questions and exploring their curiosity about their bodies and sexuality.


Using Proper Terminology

He encourages parents to use proper terminology for body parts and to celebrate the beauty of their children's bodies as creations of God. By fostering a positive attitude toward their own bodies, children can grow up with a healthier understanding of sexuality.


Addressing Questions and Curiosity

Age-Appropriate Responses

When children ask questions about sexuality, Sam advises parents to respond in a way that is age-appropriate and concise. For instance, when a young child asks where babies come from, parents can provide a simple answer without overwhelming them with complex information. This method not only satisfies their curiosity but also lays the groundwork for more in-depth discussions as they grow older.


Creating a Safe Environment for Sex Talk

Sam believes that creating an environment where children feel safe to ask questions is essential. By normalizing these conversations, parents can help their children navigate their sexual development with confidence and understanding.



The Impact of Purity Culture

Fear-Based Understanding of Sexuality

The conversation shifts to the topic of purity culture and its effects on men's understanding of sexuality. Sam notes that many men have never received a meaningful sex talk, often only receiving a brief anatomy lesson followed by a purity lecture. This approach can create a fear-based understanding of sexuality, framing it as something shameful rather than a natural and beautiful part of life.


Confusion About Normal Sexual Responses

Sam argues that this fear can lead to confusion about normal sexual responses, such as arousal, which can be misinterpreted as lust. Understanding the distinction between arousal and lust is crucial for developing a healthy relationship with one's sexuality.


Distinguishing Arousal from Lust

Biological Responses vs. Contextual Understanding

Jonathan and Sam delve into the distinction between normal arousal and lust. Sam explains that while men are biologically wired to respond to sexual stimuli, it is essential to understand the context of these responses. He encourages men to recognize the difference between appreciating beauty and succumbing to lustful thoughts.


The "Wow Response"

The discussion introduces the concept of the "wow response," which refers to the natural human reaction to beauty and attraction. Jonathan shares insights from his ministry, emphasizing the importance of learning how to respond to this initial attraction in a way that honors God and respects the dignity of others. Sam agrees, noting that the way men respond to their initial attraction can determine whether they move toward appreciation or objectification.


The Nature of Sexuality

Beyond Physical Attraction

Sam reflects on the unique nature of sexuality, explaining that it encompasses not just physical attraction but also the potential for deep emotional and relational connection. He contrasts the experience of watching a sunset or a sporting event with the intimate and participatory nature of sexual experiences. Sam emphasizes that sexuality is designed for union and connection, making it a profoundly different experience than mere observation.


Conclusion and Resources

Open and Honest Conversations

In summary, this episode highlights the need for open and honest conversations about sexuality, particularly for men who often navigate a landscape filled with shame and confusion. Sam's insights into the importance of understanding sexual formation, the impact of purity culture, and the distinction between arousal and lust provide valuable guidance for anyone seeking to reclaim a healthy view of sexuality.


Resources for Further Exploration

Listeners are invited to explore the resources Sam has to offer, including his book and his website. Sam's work aims to help individuals and families break free from the cycles of shame and silence surrounding sexuality. By fostering open dialogue and understanding, parents can change the generational patterns of shame and equip their children with the tools they need for healthy sexual formation.


Final Thoughts

This insightful discussion serves as a valuable resource for anyone seeking to understand and navigate the complexities of sexuality in a healthy and godly manner. Remember, addressing sexual issues openly and compassionately is essential for personal healing and the well-being of future generations.


For more information and resources related to healthy sexuality, visit Sam's website. Let's continue to foster a culture of openness, understanding, and respect when it comes to discussing sexuality.

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