The Three Phases of Couples Recovery: How to Heal After Betrayal

Today, I’m thrilled to share an in-depth exploration of a topic that’s close to my heart and vital for so many couples: the journey of recovery after sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. I recently sat down with returning guests Joanna and Matthew Raabsmith—both seasoned counselors and coaches specializing in couples recovery. Their blog, “The Three Phases of Couple Recovery and What Kind of Help You Need in Each,” has resonated with so many, and in this episode, we unpacked the nuances, challenges, and hope embedded in each phase.

If you or someone you love is navigating the aftermath of betrayal, this post is for you. I’ll break down each phase, share actionable advice, and offer expert insights from our conversation. Let’s walk this path together, one step at a time.

Understanding the Journey: Couples Recovery Is Not Linear

Before we dive into the phases, let’s set the stage. One of the most important truths Joanna and Matthew emphasized is that recovery is not a straight line. You might move forward, then back, or find yourself revisiting earlier work. This is normal. Healing is complex, and there’s no shame in the process taking time or looping back. The phases are not rigid boxes—they’re guideposts to help you understand what kind of work is needed at each stage.

Phase One: The Recovery Phase

What It Is

The Recovery Phase is the crisis stage. This is where the reality of betrayal or addiction comes crashing in, and both partners are reeling from the impact. For the betrayed partner, it’s a shattering of trust and safety. For the betrayer, it’s often a confrontation with deep-seated shame, fear, and the roots of their behavior.

Key Goals

• Establish Safety: Both emotional and structural safety are paramount. This means clear boundaries, routines, and agreements that protect both partners from further harm.

• Individual Healing: Each partner needs space to process their pain. The betrayer must face their own wounds (often rooted in childhood trauma or neglect), while the betrayed partner needs support for the acute trauma they’re experiencing.

• Trauma-Informed Support: Not all therapists or support systems are equipped for this work. It’s crucial to seek out professionals who understand betrayal trauma and addiction recovery.

Actionable Tips

• Create Structure:

  • Set up daily check-ins with clear guidelines (e.g., time-limited, focused topics, no surprises).

  • Use written agreements for boundaries around technology, communication, and living arrangements.

• Prioritize Safety Over Intimacy:

  • Don’t rush into deep emotional or physical intimacy. The relationship needs a “cast” to heal, just like a broken bone.

• Choose Trauma-Informed Help:

  • Ask potential therapists about their experience with betrayal trauma and addiction.

  • Avoid anyone who pushes for quick forgiveness or intimacy—this can retraumatize.

• Listen to Your Body:

  • The mind may want to “move on,” but your body knows when it’s safe. Pay attention to anxiety, tension, or shutdown as signals to slow down.

Expert Insight

“Trying to run a marathon on a broken leg only causes more damage. The structure and boundaries of this phase are like a cast—they feel restrictive, but they’re necessary for true healing.”— Matthew Raabsmith

Phase Two: The Restoration Phase

What It Is

Restoration is where couples begin to rebuild connection. The crisis has passed, and there’s enough safety for both partners to start engaging emotionally. This phase is often the most emotionally intense, as it involves grieving what’s been lost and learning new ways to relate.

Key Goals

• Emotional Regulation:

  • Both partners need tools to manage big feelings—anger, grief, fear—without shutting down or lashing out.

• Couple Grieving:

  • This is not just one partner sharing pain and the other listening. It’s a unified process: “us against the betrayal,” not “me against you.”

• Building Trust Through Consistency:

  • The brain needs repeated evidence of safety and reliability to rebuild trust.

Actionable Tips

• Practice Emotional Check-Ins:

  • Use structured conversations to share feelings and needs. Start with “I feel…” statements and avoid blame.

• Engage in Couple Grieving:

  • Set aside time to mourn together. Acknowledge the losses—of trust, dreams, time—and sit with the sadness as a team.

• Develop Regulation Skills:

  • Learn grounding techniques (deep breathing, prayer, body scans) to stay present during tough conversations.

• Be Patient with Progress:

  • Restoration is often the longest phase. Expect setbacks and celebrate small wins.

The Role of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a hot topic, especially in faith communities. Joanna and Matthew are clear: forgiveness belongs in the restoration phase, not at the start.

• Why Not Sooner?

  • Early forgiveness is often pressured or performative, not genuine. True forgiveness requires a deep reckoning with the damage done.

• How Does It Happen?

  • Forgiveness grows as the betrayer consistently shows humility, makes amends, and focuses on the partner’s healing—not just their own relief.

• It’s a Process:

  • Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. It unfolds over time and may not be “complete” until the renewal phase.

Expert Insight

“If forgiveness is pushed too early, it comes with demands and frustration—‘Why haven’t you forgiven me yet?’ True forgiveness is about reckoning with the impact, not ignoring it.”— Matthew Raabsmith

Phase Three: The Renewal Phase

What It Is

Renewal is the phase where couples move beyond just “fixing” what was broken. Here, you get to build something new—an intentional, vibrant relationship that excites you both. It’s about shared purpose, deeper intimacy, and designing the life you want together.

Key Goals

• Design Rituals of Connection:

  • Create regular, meaningful ways to connect—whether through conversation, shared activities, or spiritual practices.

• Explore Shared Dreams and Identity:

  • Ask, “What do we want our relationship to look like now?” and “What’s our purpose as a couple?”

• Deepen Sexual and Emotional Intimacy:

  • Re-engage physically and emotionally, but in new, healthy ways that honor the healing you’ve done.

Actionable Tips

• Create Connection Rituals:

  • Schedule weekly date nights, morning check-ins, or shared hobbies. Make connection a non-negotiable part of your routine.

• Dream Together:

  • Set aside time to talk about your hopes, goals, and values as a couple. Write them down and revisit them regularly.

• Rebuild Intimacy Slowly:

  • Don’t rush physical intimacy. Focus on emotional closeness first, and let sexual connection grow naturally from there.

• Seek Community:

  • Join couples’ groups, retreats, or workshops to reinforce your new identity and gain support.

Expert Insight

“Renewal is about asking, ‘What’s next?’ and intentionally shaping your life together. It’s the most exciting phase because you’re not just recovering—you’re creating.”— Joanna Raabsmith

Common Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

• Rushing the Process:

  • Skipping ahead to restoration or renewal before safety is established leads to setbacks. Trust the pace.

• Ignoring Individual Healing:

  • Both partners need their own support and growth, not just couple work.

• Seeking Quick Fixes:

  • There are no shortcuts. Consistency and patience are your best allies.

• Choosing the Wrong Support:

  • Not all therapists or groups are equipped for betrayal trauma. Vet your helpers carefully.

Resources and Next Steps

Joanna and Matthew offer tailored resources for each phase:

• Recovery: Individual and couples coaching to navigate the crisis.

• Restoration: The “Renewing Us” couples group program for rebuilding connection.

• Renewal: In-person couples retreats to deepen intimacy and shared purpose.

If you’re ready for the next step, reach out for support. You’re not alone, and there’s hope for a new beginning.

A Word of Hope

Wherever you are in this journey, remember: progress is often slow and subtle, but it’s real. The habits and rhythms you build now will sustain you for years to come. Celebrate your growth, no matter how small, and keep moving forward. Healing is possible, and a new, vibrant relationship is within reach.

Thank you for joining us on this journey. If you need more resources or want to connect with Joanna and Matthew, check the show notes for links. Take your next best step toward wholeness and connection—you and your marriage are worth it.